Not so bad..

Today was a good day! Mark had a wonderful idea to go to the Tulsa Aquarium this morning out of the blue. We normally don't just go and do stuff like that.. today was fun. William got scared a lot of the time - especially of the sharks. Then he would want to 'pet it' with stuff like piranhas. He clung to me all day which was really snuggly for me but at the same time, tiring as crap on my arm. Elizabeth was a lot more brave and walked around looking at everything. She touched the starfish and probably would have touched a stingray if we had gotten there at the right time.

I am constantly amazed at my husband. I definetly got a good one... on the way home, the kids were falling asleep which was good but Elizabeth's seat isn't that great for napping like William's chair. So Mark hops in the back in a rather uncomfortable position just so she could nap on his lap and be comfortable. I don't think a lot of dads would do that for 2 hours and then hold the sauce while their daughter ate her lunch afterwards. He is such a wonderful father.

I worked out on our new treadmill tonight. It was super-expensive but it is the quality we were looking for. I feel good but I also realize how I've been lazy these last few months. Not making excuses but the gym we belong too also got so crowded it was ridiculous. We are such homebodies that staying at our house in our basement with our equipment is exactly what makes Mark and I happy.

So tomorrow starts a very fast stretch of days. Mark is reading up on astrocytomas again so it is kind of killing my good mood. I'll stop now because this is just going to go downhill.

Tears

I've been crying a lot more these last two days. Not really by choice but just to relieve the emotional pressure I think. Mark and I talked tonight about trying to make sure neither of us wallow in self-pity as we go through this. It is really frustrating for everyone when we do that.. I wouldn't say I'm in self-pity but I know that during his recovery, Mark may get there because of the added pain and recovery he will have to go through.

This weekend we have some things planned to get our basement a little more complete. Today was the official DONE day. No more people coming into my house! Now we have to get it cleaned and ready for company. We are going to get a treadmill. One of our goals has always been to get a gym quality treadmill at home. That was why we built a workout section of our basement! I think it will help to have it around for Mark's recovery so we need to it this weekend. I also need to lose 10 lbs.. I've gotten lazy.

This week will be tough. Mark is off from work with things he needs to do. Thursday and Friday he will be in Little Rock for pre-op stuff. It just keeps reminding me we have a major countdown going on.

I am NOT a patient person. I am someone who likes to know things. This I don't know. I don't know anything! I've been driving myself nuts with information on the internet but that only goes so far. I want to know how long my husband will be in surgery, my husband's recovery, what long term affects will happen to my family.. everyone else's story is fine but I want to know about us. Maybe this does count as self-pity.. I just want my husband home and well.

Enough rambling..

Countdown

Okay. Surgery is set for first thing Tuesday, 8 September. Mark and I will head down on Monday sometime. Best case, we will be coming home Friday or Saturday.

Mark's sister Teresa is staying with the kids. Please give her any and all support you can. She will do great with them but it is always nice to have a helping hand.

For anyone that is thinking about helping out with meals, please make them in some kind of disposable container like aluminum because I will never get your tupperware back to you and please make them freezable. I will need stuff for a while so if I can pull it out and throw it in the oven that would be great!

Work is super busy but I'm also very distracted. I'm trying hard to stay focused but today was not my best. I did do some good things I just know I need to do more.

Mark will take off after this week to get ready a little for this. The reality of all of this hit him pretty hard this weekend. I can't imagine being in his shoes but truthfully he can't understand mine either. If this was me or one of the kids, he would not know what to do either.

At this point, just trying to stay afloat...

Emotions

I believe the next two weeks will be incredibly fast and incredibly tough. The fear is starting to grip my heart again. This past week I was doing really good. The trip to see Dr. Yasargil made me feel more confident about what we are going into. Now.. not so much. The enormity of it is hard to get your head around.

I had a great weekend in Kansas City. I admit I needed an escape from our reality. I haven't gone out like that in years and I probably won't again for years. When I woke up this morning, it occurred to me I will be in another hotel in about two weeks for a completely different reason.

Its hard with the kids. We are both so emotional and on edge and the kids are little kids. They are GREAT kids but they are 3 and almost 2.. that makes for short tempers and unhappy everyone. We are both going to try to work on that.

On a different note, the basement is 97% complete! The remaining thing is the cabinets. The installers didn't finish the job - literally. Missing door hardware and a missing drawer and the bathroom countertop is a point of contention. The rest is awesome. Needs a very deep cleaning but is awesome.. I need to send out pictures.

Now.. back to work tomorrow.

Just going with the flow

So we are just having to wait now. We have to get approvals from Fayetteville for all the pre-surgery testing Dr. Yasargil wants done and the surgery itself. Shouldn't be too big of a deal but just have to get it all scheduled and get it done. In the mean time, we are actually pretty busy. This weekend I am going out for a girl's weekend in Kansas City. It will be a great time just to go have an extended slumber party with alcohol. Then we have one weekend at the end of August that isn't quite packed yet and then Labor day. Mark is going home to North Dakota over Labor Day to visit his parents before the surgery. Then we should be in surgery!

I no longer have this terrible pressure on my chest every second of the day now. The thought of the worst case scenario that we were facing was just crushing. I would be at work just scared of the future. Not that the diagnosis is different - Mark still has a low-grade Astrocytoma. The difference now is the discussion we had with the doctor. When he said his patients have 80% non-recurrence I couldn't even believe it. Mark may fall into the 20% but I'm not going to think about that. Right now, we get this out of his head and this may be it! That kind of knowledge lets me breathe again.

If it hadn't been the world's best micro-neurosurgeon who said that, I wouldn't probably be in this frame of mind. The truth is, this doctor designed the tools and procedures that all other neurosurgeons use to do brain surgery. If you google him, he has credentials a mile long and his word is pretty much gospel in this area.

I will get more nervous as we get closer to the surgery. We have to leave our kids for an overnight - something we have never done together. We still have to be a little prepared for the worst case scenario but the likelyhood of that is a lot less than we thought. I hope no one has to go through the conversations and emotions that I've gone through over the last month.

We are so fortunate that our nightmare may end. There are so many people that do not get that. We are so fortunate that this is Mark and not one of the children. I can't even fathom that.

Not quite

I spoke a little too soon. Mark had a terrible headache yesterday that extended through the night. His headache was so bad he let me drive his truck. For those of you who don't understand the significance of this - he NEVER lets me drive his truck. So last night was no sleep again for both of us. He seems a little better today. The 3+ hour naps we all just took also didn't hurt.

This is why we need to get this crap out of his head. The intense pressure and headaches are getting worse. I know I sounded very upbeat yesterday and I am still upbeat but the reality is, this is still surgery on his brain tumor. To reach it they have to cut a hole about the size of a fist in his head and slide tools in his head.

More than likely he will survive the surgery itself but we still have to keep any infections and such at bay. Not trying to be a worry-wart but I am just keeping things in perspective. We are not out of the woods with this by a long shot.

At least we have a timeframe now which is good.

I wish i had my camera right now. William pulled my bra off the dirty clothes pile and is trying to stretch it on his chest. Now Mark is helping him..

Sorry for the side tangent but we still do have fun.

Wow.

What a difference 24 hours can make. Today we started again at 5 am with a drive to Little Rock. It is still a pretty but very long trip to do both ways in one day. We arrived and had a bit of a scare because the office hadn't recorded the VA paperwork yet. It was all there though and we were ready to go. We had a 1030 appointment and got there about 950. We waited in the lobby until about 1115. Then we got to go to an appointment room and waited there until almost 1. When we were finally seen, we were both pretty toasted and the day hadn't really started yet.

It was worth the wait.

The doctor is an 80-year old man whose nurse is his wife. 2 other doctors were in the room as well consulting. Basically he explained about the brain and what the area is that is being affected. He described how he will go between sections of the brain to remove the tumor - not do surgery on the brain. He was very clear on that part which I personally think is a fantastic attitude.

He said a few points that I will just summarize here:

• This is the most ideal of tumors becuase of its compact size and location. It has not spread out to other sections of his brain.
• He will feel much better after this is out. The pressure and headaches should all go away.
• He will probably experience some personality changes but mostly for the better. He should be much more relaxed after this is out.
• This WILL NOT affect his life expectancy at this point. :) The doctor said 80% of his patients do not have recurrence of the tumors at all.
• 3-4 days in the hospital for recovery then he goes home
• His left eye will swell up and not funciton right for a little while becuase of the nerves in the area that will be irritated during surgery

Then he said some things about this type of surgery that surprised us:

• The majority of people he sees that have this type of tumor are "intelligent". Now Mark is having a great deal of fun with that.
• There are no other neurosurgeons in the country that are qualified to do this surgery which is why he is a professor and teaching doctors how to do this.
• Pretty much the fact that Dr. McDonald admitted that he couldn't do this surgery was a huge honest point on his part

He was ready to do surgery next week but his wife and Mark renegotiated that so we can prepare coverage for the kids. We will be in surgery the first of September, basically over my birthday. That point bothers Mark but not me - lets get this done.

Right now, I am very tired but rather happy. I feel like a huge shining light has come in a very dark situation. Instead of having to think about how to explain how wonderful their father was to my children, he gets to be here and BE their wonderful father.

I will be scared the day of surgery but tonight I think I will finally sleep.