My turn

So today hasn't been so great. I came home from work early because I was terribly nauseaous. I've been a little sick this evening but it seems like its getting better. No fever or anything but I did feel cold earlier so I took a bath. It was probably just the hot water and getting out but I was very weak afterwards and my hands started tingling. it all stopped and I'm feeling more stable now. pepto has helped. no clue what got me.. william had a stomach bug over the weekend.

i'm concerned for my very dear friend though. her son is sick. he is 18 months old and has H1N1. his oxygen levels are a little low so if he doesn't get better through the night wiht nebulizer treatments every 3 hours, he's going to be admitted.

we have been very lucky so far. with the exception of william projectile vomiting last weekend and runny noses, the kids are very healthy.

william is potty training. he is doing pretty well with it. he definetly gets that if he pees, he gets candy.. just little smarties but he still gets one. then lizzie gets one too..

okay.. that's it. i'm kind of tired so night night.

Scans

These are pictures of Mark's MRI scans. The first set were a few days before surgery. The second were the day after surgery.. note the swelling on the side of his head.

Dr update

Mark and William both had checkups today with our family doctor. He is awesome and I trust his advice. William is creeping up in the height/weight categories. He was at 25% at 1 year and now he is 50% at 2 years old. I am afraid he might be color-blind becuase he shows no interest in learning colors and gets them wrong all the time. Dr. W said not to worry and its early for that. Otherwise William is doing pretty good for a 2 year old. Mark is also doing well. He is off all of his narcotics. He chose to stop taking them a few weeks ago - they made him a little buggy. So if he needs to he takes Tylenol but that's it.

Lizzie hit her head tonight pretty bad on the our fireplace hearth. She was running around the couch like she always does and tripped. It almost cut the skin, but barely not. If it had, we'd be getting stitches right now. She's okay though. William is good, throwing hissy fits but he's good.

We were downstairs tonight. I LOVE our downstairs. The TV connections should be done this weekend and we will start migrating furniture down there. We played with the fireplace again tonight.. Does anyone else have a pellet stove out there with some tips? We get it going warm but it seems like there is something wrong. I have it on the highest pellet feed and low heat setting but the fire seems to be burning so strong that the pellet feed isn't keeping up. I might have to call the installer to check it.

Thanksgiving is coming up. Our house is open to anyone who wants to stuff themselves silly! Seriously - I made a 15lb Turkey and a 9lb ham last year for like 6 people and 4 pies. So.. feel free to come to our house!!

Sleepy

This will be short. Whoever's black dogs were running around the entire neighborhood need to be shot. I'm not a fan of animal violence but I've been up since 2:30 this morning becuase of my dogs going nuts. Then everyone else's dogs going nuts.. then my dogs going nuts again.... I'm sleepy now.

Seriously.. Bear is up for grabs. Love him to death but if someone else wants him, he's yours.

New day

Okay I've had a big attitude adjustment. I just went through a near-death experience with my husband and made it through. During that time, my love and devotion for my husband was solidified and stronger than ever. I got a tough break at work and my situation will be a challenge but the bottom line - it is just work. My true life is not my job. My children are wonderful as anyone who saw the pictures I sent out knows. My husband is the best and is going to live. Those are the important things.

Mark and I have talked at length about all of this. There are several things that have happened - 1. my confidence in myself has been shaken. Well I'll just have to fight back and keep doing what I do. 2. I've been slapped in the face with reality. Mark and I want to make this our home and that means focusing on getting our children involved and ourselves in activities.

Mark and I have been always focused on our jobs becuase that is life in the Navy. Your entire existence revolves around the Navy. We haven't shifted that idea yet. Mark has done a better job of it than I have becuase of the jobs he's had. He has been in positions that he doesn't have to bring home at the end of the day. My job is more 24-7 support. That doesn't mean it is my entire world though.

So last night I slept.. it may have been becuase of feeling better about life or becuase I was so exhausted - either way, don't care. Mark and I got a babysitter last night but we were so tired we came home 2 hours later. We went out for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and picked out some Halloween costumes for a party then walked around. That was about all we could do..

The weather should be much better starting today. I am going to take the kiddos outside and let them play on the clubhouse for a while.

Tough

If you notice the time again, its in the middle of the night. William just woke up crying because he got his arm caught on his crib and now I can't get back to sleep. I had a really hard day at work yesterday and my mind is still churning on it. The short answer is no I didn't get the position I wrote about yesterday but there is more to the story.

Right now I feel very confused. I don't think I do well with corporate america. Being output driven and fast-paced are alternately considered strengths and weaknesses. Some days I miss the Navy, there was no question that was the idea. The Navy had its own downside though and I guess everything does.

So tonight I will question my own abilities and what I want out of life and see where the answers lead.. since I'm on the couch, I hope they lead me to sleep.

Early

If you notice the time, its early. I've been awake for about a half hour now. I woke up and now I can't get back to sleep. Today already has me wired. I have a lot to do and not that much time to get it all done. What I am keeping in mind though is that it is 'stuff'. For work, there will always be more 'stuff'. It will never end and that is the nature of work. So I'll get done the stuff that I need to get done and get ready for the stuff down the road.

I think a psychologist would have a field day with me. Not last night but the night before last I had another dream about the Naval Academy. I often have dreams/nightmares about that place and the Navy. They are usually okay dreams but they have a re-curring theme - I am missing uniform items or I am out of uniform. I am always looking for pieces that I am mising or finding a way to get to the store to try to get what I need. Not always the same scenario but it is the same theme.. So those of you who want to analyze, go for it.

My 10 year reunion is next year for the Academy. I don't think I'm going to go. My high school 10 year reunion was a let down (except for finding a few of the friends I did want to find again like Tory :) ). It is the same weekend as 2nd Class Parents weekend and a few other years reunion as well so forget that.. crowds are not my thing.

Back to today.. I should find out today if I was selected to be a regional manager for our plant support group. Without going into a lot of detail, it is basically a way for us to have more of a career path in our company. Doing what I do is pretty straightforward for our progression. So the regional position just means I would keep doing what I do for my own plant but also help guide a few others that do what I do for their own plants. We'll see..

I kind of wish I was still sleeping by my right wrist is bugging me. I think it is just the turn in the weather. That made me sound a little old but its the truth. I have aches and pains like everyone else.

Volleyball season is coming up. The club season at least. I'm on the list for coaching again. I'm excited about it. I bought a few books on strategies and positioning and drills that will help. I also bought and already read the rule book. The USAV rules are a little different and I got my butt spanked last year by not knowing them cold. I now know I could have avoided the yellow card I got last year because the other team should never have been allowed to play in the first place. I am going to keep that rule book with me at all tournaments.....

Kids are great. We went to a neighbor's house the other night and made sugar cookies. She let us do the whole thing with the flour and the cut out shapes. The kids had a blast and so did I. william loved pushing his shapes all over the dough but not actually cutting out the cookie. Tomorrow we are going to a very big local festival called the Maple Leaf parade. Apparently its a nice parade and car show and all sorts of stuff. It will be cold in the morning but we will dress warm and take blankets.

10 minutes down.. about 30 more till I should go take a shower..

Good stuff

Tonight Mark came with me and the kids out to watch our neighbor's daughter play volleyball at the local high school. It was awesome that he wants to try to get out and will not hide at home. It is turning colder and he said he feels it around his head so we need to get him a hat. Especially this weekend becuase we are making plans to go watch the local Maple Leaf Parade. It will be colder than normal but the parade is supposed to be something to see!

We are doing really good. I admit I was a little afraid to tell the whole pathology of his 'growth'. I guess becuase I don't want people to feel like we made this whole thing up or something. That may be a silly feeling but that was what I felt. A lot of good people did wonderful things for us and I appreciated every single gesture. Even though it isn't cancer, Mark still had an abnormal mass in his head and it was still dangerous surgery. We just got very lucky that it turned out to be an abnormal mass and nothing more serious.

Tonight I have a smile on my face. I'm helping Mark break out of his 'everything is wrong with me' funk and we have plans to keep heading towards LIFE!

one more thing

my friend and i were talking and she pointed out i didn't share the full pathology report on my blog! this was probably the most startling thing of the day.. it was a birth defect. everything on the MRI and the location led the doctors to believe this was a classic astrocytoma. the pathology came back that it was not a tumor but an abnormality of the cells. basically instead of current brain cells turning abnormal, the cells themselves grew abnormally in the first place. he had this maybe since birth but there is no way to tell. the problems were all caused becuase this abnormal cell mass was pushing on an area of his brain that causes seizures. as he got older, the mass just got larger. also, his seizure threshold got lower so he was more susceptible to them.
so that is why it will never recur. the defect is gone and won't regrow.

and we're back

i'm not sure where to start today. mark and i had a pretty leisurely morning waking up late - 715! and having some breakfast. all the rain in missouri followed us to arkansas so it was pouring outside. we headed to the hospital early to walk over to the MRI suite and say hi to one of the nurses. she was the one who helped mark during his passing-out episode a month ago and it was her husband who got me from joplin to little rock. the guy at the counter remembered mark from that code blue.. she wasn't there but that was nice to walk around. mark is doing great walking :)

we went in and saw dr. yasargil. what a wonderful man and his wife diane. they were very pleased with mark's progress. they know he has concerns about his memory but they said that is normal and should get better as his brain essentially relearns how to store those memories. they said the pain in his legs was very rare to occur but they were glad he was getting better. the pathology came back and we are pleased to say everything was great. he will have no recurrence of this ever again. i also got pictures from before and after of the tumor and now the hole in his head. i'll scan those in and show everyone. it drives it home..

so.. we are home. we have to go back again in january but that's it. mark and i talked about his return to work. we're going to see how this week goes but if he keeps progressing than another week after that (so two weeks from now) we will see about getting him back for part time and work up to full time.

now we have the rest of our lives to live!! :)

we're here

well we are back in little rock. i hate to say it but the last few miles i had mark turn off the GPS because i know my way around already.

i want to say again how amazed i am at our lives right now. how is it we managed to meet up with dr yasargil??! i have met 2 people through facebook that have grade II astrocytomas or other gliomas that have been told their tumors are non-operable and to wait and watch. that could have been us very easily. i know each case is different and every tumor is unique but i just know in my heart that our doctor CAN do it. probably becuase he did do it for us.. there are just so many people out there that need help and this particular tumor is not common. it is deep brain surgery and not many doctors are trained on how to do it.

we are just so lucky. we are so lucky to have the friends and family we do. we are so lucky to have the support from all directions.. maybe it isn't the right word to say lucky though. luck implies that there is randomness to it all. the truth is that people are good and decent and want to help other people. we are unlucky actually to be in a position to need help. we just have been thrust into a scenario that the true goodness of people can shine through.

it is in no way an expectation that people help us but we are so grateful that we do get support. mark referenced our babysitter in his blog and he's right. she didn't have to keep our kids overnight tonight but she is and she wanted to do it. it made tonight so much easier to know the kids are right where they need to be. a girl i work with is staying at the house with the dogs. she didn't have to do that either but she wanted to do it. that saved us from having to kennel the doggies and i KNOW bear appreciates that.

mark and i talked a lot about our thoughts of tomorrow and his progress. he understands better that he is being really negative about his progress but he said 'i'm a glass is half empty kind of guy'. if you nail him down though he recognizes how far he's come and how much better he is. his big thing is his memory. he doesn't remember a lot. not only names but things that have happened and stuff he's done. that part scares him. in the long run though, it is still chump stuff compared to not being here at all.

he has never been through major surgery and never had long-term pain like this. and truthfully, this isn't long-term pain. it has been longer than anything he's ever experienced but this is not chronic for a lifetime. this will get better and go away in another bit of time. he just has never had to face it before. ask him again near christmas about the pain and the time for recovery and i bet he has a totally different point of view.

that was the big thing about our drive donw here. we talked about perspective. it is all about perspective. from my perspective our surgeon is the greatest person to ever touch a scalpel and the man can do anything. other poeple may not share that view.. i believe in my heart he can save the affects lives of the people i've met with brain tumors. they may not but since he saved my husband's life, i have that luxury of knowing the end result. mark being negative is all about perspective. i just told him to get a grip and really be honest about the situation instead of pessimistic.

i have lots of thoughts to share again. probably because we are back here in little rock and this tumor thing is in the forefront of life again. it looks like i have less to say when i have less stress :)

new wave

I think I've been in a holding pattern for the past few weeks with Mark getting a little better each day but not really knowing how he was progressing. Tomorrow we head back down to Little Rock for the first followup. The kids are staying overnight with the lady that watches them. That works out really well becuase they know her and well - its easy. I have some important things to do tomorrow and I'll leave work about 3pm. We will probably stop off for dinner on the way down. We are staying at the Markham Suites again.

I have a few questions for the doctor, I need to write these down. 1. Is it really gone? 2. What are the chances of recurrence at this point? 3. What is the long-term prognosis now? 4. Can we get a copy of the pathology report?

I guess I really want the doctor to tell me that this is over. I don't know that he will but I would love for him to say that.

Mark is feeling better each day. He is walking farther each day and doing more each day. His head feels fine most of the time. He is working on his memory. I bought him a Nintendo DSLite to play BrainAge - his first score was 74 which didn't make him feel so great.

So, I'll write again on Friday night after we get back about what we learned from the doctor.

Life

I haven't been writing much. A friend told me to keep doing my blog as long as it helps me. It really isn't for anyone else, just my way to vent. To be honest, I've been to tired to vent recently. Things are going pretty good but I'm just a little pooped!

Mark is doing well. I think he is going a little stir crazy in the house. He is doing more each day and walking longer each day but it is not enough for him. He would like to be better today and can't believe it is taking this long to heal. I constantly remind him that he just had MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY. There is no room for whining at this point. The good thing is that there is pain, there is recovery.. all that means there is life!

There is a new Kenny Chesney song out that I like that relates to that. Every day is another day which is more than we could have had if things had gone badly. I think a little perspective is in order.. feel free to let Mark know that.

We celebrated William's birthday on Sunday (and Monday). Therefore, he is pooping green. Pretty much any coloring in icing is non-digestible and goes out the way it goes in.. note to everyone about that tidbit of information. Thank you to everyone who made his birthday special :) Lizzie is struggling with the concept that William's birthday means the toys belong to him and first time out of the box, he really DOESN'T have to share.

I am now getting kicked in the ribs by Bear who doesn't believe that this bed belongs to anyone but him. Lazy dog. Seriously.. free to a good home. Any takers?

Since my mind isn't really that focused right now and I'm rambling, I'll turn this off.

New

Just a very short note. This weekend was alright, not great but not bad. The big thing is right now, Mark is still sleeping (or trying ot sleep) IN BED! This is this is the first time I've woken up and he hasn't been on the couch! I don't know if he got on the couch earlier in the night but all the times I woke up in the night, he was there. This is a huge thing. Usually his legs get knotted up and he is in pain and has to go to the couch around 2 or 3 AM!

I need to go get the kids but I wanted to share.

Its William's 2nd Birthday today :)

Better

Mark is really doing well although its hard to judge. Neither of us has been through major surgery like this before much less brain surgery. I really was pushing him early on to get out of bed and move and now that he is functional and moving around, he's motivating himself. He wants ot get better but we don't have a guage of how he compares to where he should be. That is basically what we want to know when we go to the doctor at the end of this week.

I took the kids to a local thing called Barnyard days. I went with a neighbor and her kids. We had fun but I can see how stuff like this will be MORE fun when the kids are a little older. William got scared of most of the animals and had a deathgrip with his legs on my hip. Lizzie was braver. Thier favorite animal by far was the bunnies though. William wanted ot pet it as long as I was there with him.

It is William's second birthday on Monday. I can't even begin to believe that. Not only becuase time has gone by so quickly but because he is still such a baby to me. He is kind of a runt for his age and he is so easy to cuddle. Lizzie at age 2 was already doing her whole alphabet, numbers to 10 and pretty much getting on her track of memorizing everything. So it isn't fair to William because by comparison, he isn't at that level but he is doing great for a 2 year old.

When we moved here he was about 5 months old and still in a carrier seat for infants. He couldn't crawl or move at all. He really didn't sleep much either.. that was the tough part. Moving with him was hard because we were all in the same hotel room and trying to get the two of them to sleep. It was a nightmare actually and that was a direct cause of Mark's initial seizures. Not that they caused his brain tumor but the lack of sleep becuase William wasn't sleeping made the seizure symptom show up.

Anyone want a dog? we'll keep ollie (unless someone wants a really great beagle and then he's yours). otherwise, bear is up for grabs.

Tired

I feel more tired this week than last week. I think part of it is not having any help anymore and the other part is fighting a sinus something. I've just been incredibly tired at work the last few days. It might also be due to lack of sleep. Mark hasn't been sleeping well which seems to be a common thing.

I don't have much to share tonight. Just an update on all of us. We're getting there and Mark is getting better. He feels bad becuase he wants to do more but I am not complaining and I don't want him to get wore out. I just want him to keep heading in the right direction like he is right now.

One of the bigger side effects we've seen so far is Mark is having a problem remembering names. So if he talks to you, don't get offended if he doesn't remember your name. Even people we are really close to like neighbors. He has been doing memory exercises to try to work on it.

Just saw a picture of him from in the hospital. He really has come so far in just 3 weeks. No matter what, life is good.