Motivation

Mark did a good thing today. He went to work and walked around just to say hi. I think that was awesome because he needs to get that boost that there is a job waiting for him and he needs to keep focusing on getting back to it. It was really great that he could also say thank you to so many people who literally gave so much to us.

The truth is the fear of dying is behind us now. The big things that were in our way are now gone which is a little wierd emotionally. I am very glad I have my husband and I know he is very happy to be here except it is wierd to let go of all of the fears. You gear up for the worst and try to prepare yourself for that possibility. Not that you want things ot end that way but your mind takes you to the bad what-ifs. Now that things turned out so much better, those fears are hard to lose.

I'm not really sure why that is. It is just not that easy to say 'its done'. I do think that if he didn't die, then we need to get living! We have our lives and we need to keep going with them. Not some major life change or philisophical shift of each moment is precious (it is but that isn't the point) kind of thing. I just feel that we made it over our hurdle, so lets ramp it up and get back on pace.

I do feel more inclined NOT to wait for things. I know we will wait a little for major family trips like Disney just becuase it makes sense. I don't want to wait to just sit with my kids and color with them or watch a movie with them. I want to take them outside and let them play.

I am not perfect by any means but I'm working on this whole letting-go mentality. If it is out of my control, then I am doing better about not focusing on it. If something is in my control though, I want to do my very best at it.

To change subjects, I really hope Mark finds a comfortable spot for sleeping. That is really a hard part yet. I just believe that if he can sleep and let his body rest, he will really get some good healing in.